Insufficient Me

I keep thinking there will be time…time to paint my toenails, time to read a good book, time to sit and write a blog post. But the reality is with five kids age 9 and under and one of those being a most adorable eight week old, there is no such thing as “me-time”! Thankfully Kevin has arranged for me to get out each morning for an hour walk/run and without that time alone with the Lord, I might lose my mind!! But in all seriousness, I love my days…I love my children, I still love homeschooling and I love, love, love my little Maggie and every part of getting to be her mama. And I love that the self-sacrifice required to care for all my little people and my husband each day is the very road God chose for me to learn to an even greater degree that I have no choice but to depend on Him, hour by hour, minute by minute. Each morning as I hike up the hill to enter my own little walking sanctuary (a sprawling cemetery on one of Atlanta’s highest points with a view of the entire city skyline!), I begin my time of prayer acknowledging my own insufficiencies, which pierce me to the core. Never in my life have I ever felt weaker than recovering from a hard delivery, being up all night with a newborn and sitting down to teach US history with excitement and zeal…and of course, there’s still laundry, meals and all the regular stuff not to mention my desire to get to know our new church members and neighbors! Yes, my limitations and insufficiencies are crystal clear. And often these weaknesses result in sin…I’m angry or anxious or overwhelmed or irritable or complaining. How could I complain about taking care of the gift that I begged God for for months and months? My sin runs so much deeper than I could ever imagine. But as I acknowledge my desperate need for grace upon that beautiful hill, God is so quick to remind me that He loves to supply me with all that I need, that He is more glorified in my neediness of Him than He ever is in my attempts at this perfect performance I so often feel entrapped by. And I’m reminded that Jesus’ performance was all that ever mattered and how thankful I am each day that His righteousness has been imputed to me.

One day, not too long from now, I’m sure there will be more time. And on that day, I’ll get around to writing more…because I really do miss it! But that day will mean my little doll won’t be so little anymore and so for now, I just want to treasure up her littleness and not miss one smile or coo. Oh, and you should get to enjoy this little smile as well!

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4 thoughts on “Insufficient Me

  1. God works in great ways! As I am 6 months pregnant with my 4th and I am constantly reminded each day of what you have just written. Yesterday, was an extremely tough day for me. I’m thankful for your words of wisdom as a reminder.

  2. These are precious and transparent thoughts. It was just yesterday that I was running around, homeschooling my four children, nursing babies, and thinking that a good vacation would be to hole up in a motel somewhere and sleep for three days. The time does indeed fly and then one day you will blink and they will be grown. I remember older women exhorting me to enjoy my babies and little ones, and I really did enjoy them. It’s a different time now, that my children are grown and that my specific job is not as clearly and needily defined….. a difficult time to navigate for us Moms who have really had our hands full for so many years. You won’t regret the sacrifices and the love that you are pouring into your children. There are no greater treasures on the planet and no greater job than what you are doing. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world! God bless you.

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