The last several weeks have been long. One would think the fourth time around that I would have a grip on this whole 24/7 nausea that accompanies my pregnancies. But I don’t. It’s still really hard, I find myself trying to find the balance between not complaining but also being real. Yes, my body is giving life to another. Yes, she’s a healthy baby girl whom we will love and cherish and treasure for as long as God gives her to us. But yes, carrying her is also one of the hardest things God has asked of me. Caring for my five little people, especially my youngest little person who still needs me a LOT, trying to be even half of a loving, encouraging wife, schooling, ministering in our church, heck, even having to feed the dog or give water when the kids have forgotten…all of this AND being sick 24/7 with baby Mallory is just plain hard.
And most days lately, I’m finding myself coming unglued at the seams. I call Kevin and tell him “I don’t know how I’m going to make it” or “I just wish I had my mama right now.” But God knows my mama can’t come quite yet (she had a terrible accident over Thanksgiving and is getting herself strong again so she can be here for the actual birth) and He knows how I’m going to get through. And it isn’t going to be by pulling my bootstraps up and finding some sort of strength within. But, instead, its by letting go of all the strength I’m trying to hold onto and coming to Jesus. He is my refuge, He is my rock, He is my strength. Why can’t I remember this? God wants me to come unglued so that I will come to Him. He wants me to tread into deep waters that lap over my head, sometimes so violently that I can’t catch my breath, so that I’ll quit trying to tread on my own. He wants me to learn what it means to rest in Him.
I have roughly four weeks left (assuming and praying she comes a little early). That seems so short and so long all at the same time. And I have a daily choice before me…keep pushing through, wearying myself even further by pretending I’m okay being sick and being in pain and being exhausted OR let Jesus in me be enough. Enough for my family, enough for my church, enough for Mallory (because ultimately He’s the one who holds her together and sustains this sweet babe within)…and ultimately, He’s the only one who sustains me.
In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28