I’m stuck on this verse right now and asking God to stick it in my heart (more like super-glue it to my heart!):
The longer I go on in this life and the longer I go on in my many roles, the more I realize how needy I truly am. I feel like I daily run in a deficit, below the bottom line, into the red. By 1:30 pm each day (which equals rest time/nap time here at Cuthbertson Casa), I’m well past empty and feeling it into my bones! So when Paul says that God has promised to supply ALL my needs, that’s a promise worth taking note of and memorizing and clinging to in my many desperate moments each day.
There seems to me to be a dangerous tendency among my generation to “out-do” one another. Pinterest, Facebook and even my beloved Instagram all have one deadly poison for us young wives and mamas…to show ourselves as the best possible version of ourselves and lie to the world that we’ve not only got it all together, we are also baking homemade gluten-free granola bars while we do yoga and our children listen to classical music before the whole family sits down to study the original Greek manuscripts of Paul’s letters! Yes, I jest…but I know you feel the tug as much as I do and I talk to women about this very issue regularly. True, there are many of us willing to put the worst of our lives out there for social media to see. But I wonder, even then, are we bringing the worst of ourselves before the One whose mission it is to make us His best?
I mentioned my break from Facebook in my last post (which, let’s be honest, is probably going to turn into a lifelong leave of absence…I’m quite sure when I stand before Jesus, I’m not going to regret never re-activating my FB account!). And recently, I read this post on Ann Voskamp’s blog and I was even further convicted that so much of my life revolves around my phone and this connection to “the outside world” that I’m often failing to enter the “real” world that God calls me to each and every morning when my feet hit the floor and I head to the coffee pot. Not a world of former Ole Miss friends and their beautiful children, not a world of beautifully decorated Pinterest homes, not a world of Amazon goodies at my fingertips. But instead, a real world…a world of fussy babies with snotty noses and a world of shouting siblings frustrated with one another and a world of endless dirty laundry and bathrooms that have tee-tee around every toilet base (you mamas of boys know what I’m talking about) and a world where I am never, ever, ever going to feel like there is enough of me to go around. That’s my real world…people all around me, wanting a piece of me and I can never even begin to be enough for them.
Ahem…enter Philippians 4:19…the great God of the universe, the very One who created me and holds all of me together, has promised to supply all of my needs according to His riches. He has and is all and more than I can even comprehend or imagine to supply to me in order that I may pour myself out. In order that I may be like Paul two chapters earlier and be poured out like a drink offering and still rejoice…yes…rejoice. God doesn’t want my feet to hit the floor and enter into my “real” world and then just spin all day in weariness and emptiness. Instead, He wants to fill me with every bit of the riches He has to offer me In Christ Jesus in order that I can meet “my world” each day with peace, joy and love. In order that I can meet my people with Himself.
I’m a constant work in progress…and when I hit those moments of the day (usually around 1:30 pm and 7:00 pm) that I feel myself running on empty and about ready to throw my hands up in the air and just give up, I’m trying to recall this truth, this beautiful promise and then lean hard into it. I’m trying to not be afraid to admit to my Father that I’m not pulling off this pastor’s wife homeschooling mother of six gig nearly as well as people think I am…but instead, to show Him my worst, admit my worst and then believe that it has all been forgiven at the cross. And that in the end, He already knows. He knows and He sees and He still wants to supply.